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Choosing To Be Kind, Not Nice
What does being kind mean to you?
Aim to be kind, not nice. There is an important distinction between the two. Being nice is talking about the weather. Being kind is caring whether someone has an umbrella in case it rains.
With kindness, you’re motivated by genuine empathy and compassion for someone, but you never lose sight of yourself. by Luvvie Ajayi Jones
I used to be a people pleaser. Making others happy and avoiding conflicts at all costs were my priorities. I thought pleasing others would make life easy.
As a kid, having good grades and not being a troublemaker were the qualities I chose since adults (parents, relatives, and teachers) seem to like kids this way. Being a “good” kid gave me a lot of freedom because adults left me alone.
Somehow, I also left myself alone. Who am I besides a kid with good grades?
I lost myself by choosing to be a nice kid. I smiled, I was polite and sweet, but I wasn’t kind in retrospectively. I wasn’t kind to myself or others deep down. It was all decorative.
A good kid turned into a nice person. Recently, I came across a book titled Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual by Luvvie Ajayi Jones. The discussion on the difference between being kind and nice helps me reflect on my transitions at work and home.
What does being kind mean to me?
Choosing to be kind at work
When I started teaching, my people-pleasing personality crept in, and I wanted to be liked by my students. As a young faculty, fresh out of graduate school, it was relatively easy to relate to my students. Some of them would hang out in my office, and we would chat often. Somehow, I started to have the illusion that I was their friend.
Fortunately, I gave my new role more thoughts since it was my first time wearing the teacher’s hat. My number one goal was not for students to like me or even my courses. I am not their friend, and I do not need to become one. My role is to care about their learning.
When COVID-19 started, and we moved online all of a sudden, I was lost between being nice and kind again. Worried about my students, I constantly replied to messages as soon as they hit my inbox…
